Question Time: Tim

My original intention for this almost-not-quite-a feature was to show off some of the lovely ladies I know. Then Tim wanted to do it. So, here are his answers. And yes, that is him driving and having a cup of tea. Don’t drink and drive kids.

For those people who might not read your blog, tell us the basics about you

Well, er, the basics would, I suppose, include name, this being Tim, and age, that being 27. Urgh, that makes me sound old. For the past two years I have been telling people that I now age backwards, making me a spritely 23.

I live in St Neots, near Cambridge, which is both the best and worst place in the world. Best? Because the majority of my friends are here, I know every single inch of the whole town (I like to know my surroundings; and after 21 years I bloody well should), it’s cheap, it’s quite pretty and it has easy access to more interesting places, such as Cambridge and London.

Worst? Because it’s a typical small market town, there are a few too many dickheads (although mostly over on the less salubrious Eastside), and everyone knows you, so you can’t do anything without hearing about it later from a bloke who knows a bloke who knows a bloke. You know this bloke!

I was, however, born in Portsmouth, so if I wish to disassociate myself I can claim to be southern; and my great-grandmother was from Liege, so I can always claim to be un peu Belgique.

I just finished my first year of uni as an apparently mature student, and instead of getting a real job for the summer I am driving a white van for a local courier company, which is brilliant; and another thing to add to the varied list of jobs I have done in the last eleven years.

Finally, I’ve been not blogging and not updating the St Neots Citizen for the last month or so, but have big typing plans.

Whats the most exciting thing you’re looking forward to this summer?

I’m going to Sark with the lovely Julez (Tims very lovely girlfriend) in September. This is doubly exciting because A) I haven’t been on actual holiday for years and years, and 2) it’s like stepping back in time. Sark has no cars, no motorbikes, no buses, no taxis, no trains; so apart from a few tractors it’s like being in the twenties. So I’m told. The twenties with internet and Freeview. Yeah!

I’m also looking forward to some interesting deliveries coming up in the next few weeks in my big white turbovan, possibly including France and Switzerland, but more likely just including Park Royal and Lewisham.

What bands/songs/albums will be the soundtrack to your summer?

I’ve been listening to Radio 1 a lot recently, which has mostly been full of shit. Played 7 times a day. For example, I’d love to make an example out of Example. It wouldn’t be love getting kick started again, I can tell you.

However, there have been some gems in amongst the dross. Allejandro, from everyone’s favourite Lady GaGa, is obviously brilliant, especially the bits where she can’t decide between Roberto and Fernando (as is my understanding). I also quite like the Jay-Z remix of XXXO by MIA, and Magnetic Man’s I Need Air; and upsettingly Professor Green has really grown on me.

Apart from that, it’ll be the usual Shuffle of 80’s electro/synth/hair pop, random dubstep tracks from YouTube, and lots of G-Funk, which is really the only kind of hip-hop you need ever listen to.

Where is the strangest place you’ve been on holiday?

Wales. Easily.

Actually, Julez’s parents have got a holiday chalet type affair in Mundesley, in Norfolk. That IS a strange place. I love slightly-rubbish seaside villages, which all have a Spar shop with seven things on the shelf, an amusement arcade with some 2p machines that haven’t got enough 2p’s in them and a broken change machine, one bus in and out a day if you’re lucky and a café that is open 12-2 or something daft. Mundesley does, however, have a stunningly clean sandy beach, but it doesn’t detract from the general oddness.

Oh, and Pat from EastEnders lives there.

What song (old or new) instantly makes you think of summer?

Are you expecting a load if summery tunes? You won’t get them. Guantanamo, by Outlandish, is the one. It’s about how Cuba is rubbish and nothing works but they love it anyway, and you can practically hear them sweating in the summer heat.

Oh, and I’m On A Boat, obviously; especially if you are.

Whats the most embarrassing thing thats happened to you on a holiday

I’ve not been on a great number of holidays, so there hasn’t been that much potential for embarrassment. I did once nearly get arrested in France for doing something I shouldn’t have been in a toilet on a train with a 17-year-old French girl.

I’d love to relay a story of sex and drugs on the TGV, but alas we were merely smoking Marlboros, as the aircon was broken and the only window that physically opened was in the loo. The walk down to the overheated smoking carriages seemed a bit upsetting when we had fresh air at 130mph.

Unfortunately for us, there was a sneaky plainclothes copper sitting just near the toilet. The French love a cigarette and hate a no-smoking sign (especially back in 2001) but they also love paperwork, and this particular gendarme was clearly salivating at the thought of completing an arrest report.

After a while of me pretending my average French was, in fact, non-existent, the rozzer gave up and just told us not to do it again. I expect he had realised it was time to go on strike.

Whats the best iced lolly: FAB, Magnum, Mini Milk or other?

Magnums, purely for the variety. Every summer a new one comes out, better than the last. This year’s gold ones ACTUALLY LOOK like they have been painted with ACTUAL GOLD; and those Ecuador ones had a cocoa content of about seven thousand percent.

Also, the shop in the last place I went on holiday (see Mundesley, above) didn’t sell Fab’s, only ACE.

Did you look forward to the end of summer as a kid or did you dread going back to school?

A bit of both. School was a welcome break from being bored after six weeks off with nothing to do, but overall I would have rather not gone back.

My little brother announced after his first day of school that “it’s alright, but I don’t think I’ll go”. I wish I had his resolve.

What five things are essential for the perfect summers day?

• Money in your pocket, cash in your hand, skrilla in your wallet. There’s nothing worse than being poor when there is drinking to be done.
• A day off work. To get one of these you will need a job with sensible hours, or failing that, a well-planned mystery illness and a pub in a town your boss doesn’t know about.
• At least three amigos. A summer pub outing in the Neots generally includes two people on ketamine, one on acid, a paranoid schizophrenic, a boy who is bitter about everything and loves that, and a chef who has fallen asleep over a bottle of Waggle Dance. So…
• A way to get home, because you may want to spend the aforementioned day in a different town.
• A river, or, failing that, a large field. Rivers are great for drinking alongside, especially if you can then punt/boat/swim/throw someone in.

Anything else to add?

I would like to know why you haven’t answered these questions yourself to kick things off. I also think you should email them to Bonnie Tyler’s agent and see if we can get her to answer them. How awesome would that be?

Holy crap. That WOULD be pretty bloody awesome actually. Tim and I (and his family) have a bit of a love for Bonnie Tyler and “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Enough to make us consider dressing up as them.

Anyway. Tim is funny, and you should read his blog Foshiznik because of that.
If anyone else is interested in answering some questions, drop me an email – hi (at) ceriselle.org)